Dad’s bringing his porn-star girlfriend to my wedding
Dear John: In June I’m getting married. I’m obviously very excited about it. I’d be a lot more excited about it, though, if my father didn’t want to bring, to the most special day of my whole life, his porn star girlfriend.
My parents got divorced five years ago, between my graduating high school and starting college. My dad started dating “Brandi” about six months ago.
When my brother D. informed me that dad’s new girlfriend is a porn star, I didn’t believe him. But it only took D. about five seconds on his laptop to prove that she definitely was.
When I confronted my dad about her, he said that that part of Brandi’s life ended over 10 years ago. He said he loves her and that the two of them have grown so close that he really wants her to be with him at my wedding.
I couldn’t care less how long ago Brandi stopped making her disgusting “movies.” She made a ton of them; they’re are all over the Internet; and if my perv brother recognized her, other people probably will too. My fiancé’s family are all conservative Christians. What if one of them found out who she was? I think I would just die of mortification.
I love my father. But I also don’t want a porno star, former or otherwise, at my wedding or reception. What should I do?
I think you should thoughtfully consider the difference between “makes porn” and “hasn’t made porn in over 10 years.” Ten years is a long time.
Do you know why Brandi quit the business, or how she feels about her time in it? If not, then you don’t know her. And if you don’t know her, how can you judge her?
Women work in the sex industry for all kinds of reasons. Some of those reasons are pitiable.
If Brandi’s life in porn was an extension of her suffering, do you really want to be the person so lacking in compassion and understanding that you’re capable only of adding to her suffering by condemning and maligning her?
Of course you don’t. So spend a little time between now and your wedding day getting to know Brandi. You might like her. You might not. But at least find out before you force your father into making the awful choice between missing his daughter’s wedding, and telling the woman he loves that she’s been judged too deplorable a person to be welcomed at that wedding.
Look: The world is full of all kinds of people. Some are good; some are bad; most are both; some make porn. The main thing—the only thing—is to extend your love and compassion to everyone you can. Life’s just too short to spend it deciding who does and doesn’t deserve your affection. Assume that everyone deserves it, and give it freely. Why not? A hug costs no more than a snub. And unlike a snub, a hug can save someone’s life.
(And don’t worry about your fiancé’s conservative Christian family. There’s only one way for any of them to recognize a porn star. And that way guarantees they’ll keep that knowledge to themselves.)
This is an example of Ask John, the advice column that I wrote for The Asheville Citizen-Times newspaper from 2016-2019. It’s here because I linked to it (from my post On the Edge of the Great Divide) as an example of the work I was doing at that time. That said, if you have a question you’d like me to answer here on my Substack site, you’re more than welcome to send it to me at john@johnshore.com